new livejournal [ 02 9 05 10: 16am] http://www.livejournal.com/users/__kickin you've laid yourself to sleep.

time after time after time [ 01 22 05 7: 22pm] [ mood | apathetic ] [ music | silverstein ] this stupid snow is driving me nuts and i totally can't deal with it. it's making me think of all these really good times in the summer when we walked around aimlessly and went to new hyde park all the time. and i had all these friends that i could depend on all the time, and sleepovers and parties, and getting high, and too drunk to stand, and listening to hardcore and making fun of the boys and running around kristin syossets house when she had her get togethers and swimming in the pool and laughing so hard we couldnt breathe and the mae show when me leeat and julie met james, and i met julie and me and leeat were the best of friends and were basically inseperable. sometimes i really am so confused about who my real friends are. i miss some of you guys like alot. possibly more than you know. kristin, kristin, leeat, allison, and christina. i havent really been the best friend in the world lately, but i want you guys to know that somewhere in my heart i care about you guys more than anything. you guys made my summer so unforgettable, and allison + christina, when you guys leave, i know i'll cry, because you wont always be around to have random talks to and to laugh about stupid things or watch say anything or go to the sushi place in flushing and drink bubble tea or straighten noahs hair or go to the carnival and look at christinas pictures. it's like the winter brings this chill and it completely ruined our friendships. and kristin and kristin2, i love you guys so so much, and i'm sorry that i havent hung out with you. i miss kristins basement, and syossets cute laugh and when she get paranoid when she gets high. i don't know. all of you guys are just like, my absolute best friends, or were (?) i'm not even sure anymore. and leeat, remember that time we got so drunk and you were outside screaming to sausto and when we went to fire island and when we went to the beach with your parents, and long beach for shabbot. i dont know why i'm rambling, but i miss you guys, and this is like the only place i can really express it. you've laid yourself to sleep.

hey unloving [ 01 7 05 9: 19am] [ mood | nervous ] [ music | underoath ] in light of recent events i've realized that i really need to watch the hell out and be more careful. not only because of that, but because i let people walk all over me, and i let them get their way. i need to learn to say no, and to really stand up for myself. almost everything is going the way it should be, except one thing, and that would be my friendships. i've really tried to perfect them but i guess things arent meant to be perfect after all. i'm becoming better friends with sarah again. i miss those elementry school days when her, me, and megan were inseperable. and then i acted like a total idiot in 8th grade and really fucked up our friendship. but then sometime in 9th or 10th grade we became friends again. she's one of my favorite people in this world. but as for my other friendships. i've completely cut off contact with those that live in hell, aka manhasset, and i hardly spend my time here except when i'm seeing lukas, sleeping, in my house, or meeting someone to buy pot or something. my friendships have pretty much deteriorated. i barely see the one person that used to be my reason for living. i miss cat ridiculously. i used to rave about how much i loved that girl. now it's like we're strangers on completely different planets. which is probably true. now i spend my time with julie, which i absolutely love doing, i just miss the days when i could stay home sometimes. which brings me to another point. julie has been one of the greatest things to happen to me since sliced bread. i'm so happy she's alive and that i know her. without her i think i'd go bezerk. i've pretty much lost my interest in going to a certain persons house every weekend of my life, and i won't mention her name because i don't want certain people going back to her and telling her i implied something i didnt even imply. i love the girl but sometimes i can't stand it. i think a few people feel the same way. i've made a shit load of new friends, probably because i'm so secure with myself right now, especially with school going the way it is. i love it so much. i hate missing school. fridays are still my favorite days, i mean, come on, who doesnt want to be able to go out and do whatever because theres no school? and i have a pretty easy schedule on friday. ART, STUDY HALL, GYM. can it be any easier? doubtful. but because of this one huge problem i fear that my life may be morphing into something i NEVER planned to happen. life is all about spontanuity and unplanned actions. but this is the one thing i wish i could ignore. i guess i just have to wait. sarah and julie have been the best people about this. RYAN YOU TOO. i know you thought i wasnt gonna mention you, but i was ;-) anyway. this entry was more for me than it was for anyone else. i don't expect many people to read it, but i needed to get this all out somehow. so if you did read it, thank you. 4 you've laid yourself to sleep.

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